Life · Uncategorized

Turning Away From Toxic Relationship Patterns.

I read and watch and listen to so many high-vibe living blogs and Youtube channels and podcasts. And I always wonder: why is every single segment or topic about how something is wrong and what to do to fix it? How is that possible when this person claims to live a high vibrational life filled with good things and contentment?

Well, I am in that boat now.

And let me tell you, it’s because every day I find a new way to expand and live a better life, and it’s usually as a result of overcoming something new. And all of the things that have led me to live a better life, ever, have really been about overcoming. Overcoming a limiting belief, my own emotions, etc.

There are so many angles from which to write about this and they are all so important.

So in short, that is why! But don’t fret. I must have thanked God at least 20 times just today, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart. Life is so good. So with that, let me finally get into today’s post.

It’s about the toxic relationship patterns.

You know when someone brings out something in you that you thought you’d already kissed goodbye. Some behaviour pattern maybe or some way of responding that just belongs to your past (or maybe you feel it doesn’t belong to you at all), but somehow, being around this particular person long enough just brings it out!

So what gives?

What gives is validation. Ugh, the v-word, I know… It’s like, haven’t we been over this already? Yes, yes; we don’t need validation, etc. But there’s more to it, I think. For me, validation is a part of most healthy relationships. To see the truth of who you are in that moment seen and accepted by another person even as it contrasts with theirs is such a beautiful and healthy thing. It’s part of what makes life, relationships, friendships so juicy!

And I think we all subconsciously know that’s part of the beauty of a relationship. We know it’s part of that juiciness, so we’ll go a ways to find it! We’ll make sure our manners are squeaky clean and we’re showing people our best sides, we smile when we don’t mean it sometimes, we show the most “acceptable” parts of ourselves to others, etc.

And then there’s that one person! We do everything and more and it just doesn’t work. Our best self, the most angelic we can be, just doesn’t cut it with this person. In fact, in my experience of somebody who has been in my life, my highest vibe self was rejected and looked down upon.

Every time I was happy, this person was clearly not happy for me. Every time I talked about something I was grateful for, they were only half listening. You get the point.

And then I discovered something else. If I indulged this person with gossip and judginess about others, if I gave into the arguments they picked, I suddenly had that validation. Gossipping about another human being, or better yet outright putting them down, got me their undivided, positive attention.

And I found that, with enough time in this person’s presence, I would crack and give in to the need to be validated. I spoke badly about shared acquaintances or even family members that I love. I truly love these other people… As I spoke about them, I felt I was telling lies and getting away from my own truth. But even as I felt dirty, I kept doing it, time and time again.

One day it dawned on me why it was happening. I was looking for the validation. I felt I needed those moments of undivided attention… It felt like water to a plant. And gossiping and judging others was just a hoop I was jumping through to get it.

Except it wasn’t… I was giving up my integrity, and feeling terrible for a really long time each time it happened. What I did for the validation simply was not worth it. The awareness of why this person brought out “the worst” in me made all the difference.

Even as I have felt tempted a few times to “give in” again, I now am keenly aware that I simply don’t and can’t have that deep connection with that person at this point. I have turned away from that part of our relationship lovingly. The experience has been humbling; it’s been about recognizing the boundaries I need to draw to protect my soul and psyche while at the same time recognizing the other person’s free will.

Does this expand your understanding? Let me know with a comment.

 

 

Advertisements
Life · Uncategorized

living free. (online dating.)

We live in such a wonderful age of possibilities, of new connections with like-minded others at the tips of our fingertips, one swipe away. I have downloaded an online dating app, and I have been exploring the world of virtually meeting others—before meeting them in “real life.”

pinkroses

It has been an illuminating experience. Tucked into the comfort of my favourite nook in front of the television, or picking up my phone on a break from projects through the day, I have been surprised to find how energetically affected I can be by coming into contact with just photos of others on a small screen.

Mindful online swiping has become nothing less than essential. Here are a few things I try to keep in mind before opening my app… I strongly encourage you to consider these points. They can make all the difference.

  1. Feeling happy and self-validated: It’s easy to turn to external sources of validation, and what is both immediate and “fulfilling” in that sense other than an online dating app? Yet seeking this type of validation can quickly become a drain on our inner source of strength and diminish our ability to self-validate and take stock of ourselves for who we truly are in the context of our alignments and experiences. It is for this reason that I make it a priority to only turn on my dating app when I feel good and happy within myself.
  2. Five swipe rule: With what seems like countless “options” all available in successive swipes, an online dating app can turn into a black hole. Yet, as the app user, that facet is completely in my control! I have made it a point to not “swipe” more than five people at any given time, and I usually don’t turn my dating app on more than once or twice a day. This keeps me from spending precious time during my day distracting myself, instead of focusing on what brings me joy, and it also stops me from treating other beautiful humans as commodities available for consumption at the touch of a button on my screen (more on this).
  3. Other people’s beauty: Online dating has brought me virtually face-to-face with people from all walks of life. I have been gifted with glimpses of some of these strangers’ best memories (photos) and bits of their lives, favourites lists, etc. It can be tempting to want to judge someone before pressing x (or swiping left for a no). But prodding into my mind, I’ve found that this need to justify comes from a sense of guilt… And yet, there is supposed to be no rhyme or reason for why we’re attracted to some people and not to others. Love is not a set of cold, emotionless mathematical equations, so don’t feel pressured to judge those who simply don’t inspire an aspect of you… This is just part of being human. There is still a 100% chance you are both looking for love, fulfillment, happiness, safety, and healing, and have more in common with each other than the minutes in a single lifetime would allow you to share. Forgive yourself for not wanting to love everyone romantically and never forget the humanity of the other people on the screen.
  4.  Your own value: Just as you let yourself like who you will, let others like who they will, too, without judgment towards them or yourself. It’s very likely that the true reflection of who you are cannot be glimpsed in five pictures and twenty-five words in addition to your job title, but if it was, remember that not being someone’s cup of tea romantically is not a judgment towards you or your value as a person, or even as a partner. We are all ever-changing, magical beings in different stages of self-realization, some of us better at manifesting the pure truth that lies within all of us than others. None of that is a reflection of how good we are or who we are. If you find yourself delving into self-judgment, put your app to sleep and turn on your newest favourite song, turn to a creator that inspires you, close your eyes and breathe, do five minutes of yoga…whatever it is that puts the magic back into your heart.

This human experience is so temporary and there will literally never be a point where your outside experience matches all that you are and feel inside, for you will always be more than it is. And that is okay; it’s part of the deal! You are an infinite being on a blip of a beautiful human journey. Take the quirks but never let them suck a single ounce of joy from your beautiful heart.