I read and watch and listen to so many high-vibe living blogs and Youtube channels and podcasts. And I always wonder: why is every single segment or topic about how something is wrong and what to do to fix it? How is that possible when this person claims to live a high vibrational life filled with good things and contentment?
Well, I am in that boat now.
And let me tell you, it’s because every day I find a new way to expand and live a better life, and it’s usually as a result of overcoming something new. And all of the things that have led me to live a better life, ever, have really been about overcoming. Overcoming a limiting belief, my own emotions, etc.
There are so many angles from which to write about this and they are all so important.
So in short, that is why! But don’t fret. I must have thanked God at least 20 times just today, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart. Life is so good. So with that, let me finally get into today’s post.
It’s about the toxic relationship patterns.
You know when someone brings out something in you that you thought you’d already kissed goodbye. Some behaviour pattern maybe or some way of responding that just belongs to your past (or maybe you feel it doesn’t belong to you at all), but somehow, being around this particular person long enough just brings it out!
So what gives?
What gives is validation. Ugh, the v-word, I know… It’s like, haven’t we been over this already? Yes, yes; we don’t need validation, etc. But there’s more to it, I think. For me, validation is a part of most healthy relationships. To see the truth of who you are in that moment seen and accepted by another person even as it contrasts with theirs is such a beautiful and healthy thing. It’s part of what makes life, relationships, friendships so juicy!
And I think we all subconsciously know that’s part of the beauty of a relationship. We know it’s part of that juiciness, so we’ll go a ways to find it! We’ll make sure our manners are squeaky clean and we’re showing people our best sides, we smile when we don’t mean it sometimes, we show the most “acceptable” parts of ourselves to others, etc.
And then there’s that one person! We do everything and more and it just doesn’t work. Our best self, the most angelic we can be, just doesn’t cut it with this person. In fact, in my experience of somebody who has been in my life, my highest vibe self was rejected and looked down upon.
Every time I was happy, this person was clearly not happy for me. Every time I talked about something I was grateful for, they were only half listening. You get the point.
And then I discovered something else. If I indulged this person with gossip and judginess about others, if I gave into the arguments they picked, I suddenly had that validation. Gossipping about another human being, or better yet outright putting them down, got me their undivided, positive attention.
And I found that, with enough time in this person’s presence, I would crack and give in to the need to be validated. I spoke badly about shared acquaintances or even family members that I love. I truly love these other people… As I spoke about them, I felt I was telling lies and getting away from my own truth. But even as I felt dirty, I kept doing it, time and time again.
One day it dawned on me why it was happening. I was looking for the validation. I felt I needed those moments of undivided attention… It felt like water to a plant. And gossiping and judging others was just a hoop I was jumping through to get it.
Except it wasn’t… I was giving up my integrity, and feeling terrible for a really long time each time it happened. What I did for the validation simply was not worth it. The awareness of why this person brought out “the worst” in me made all the difference.
Even as I have felt tempted a few times to “give in” again, I now am keenly aware that I simply don’t and can’t have that deep connection with that person at this point. I have turned away from that part of our relationship lovingly. The experience has been humbling; it’s been about recognizing the boundaries I need to draw to protect my soul and psyche while at the same time recognizing the other person’s free will.
Does this expand your understanding? Let me know with a comment.