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Strength.

 

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Weeks ago, I sat on my bed, fear pouring through my veins like poison, devastated by the number on the scale. I spent 2018 challenged in most ways, but not in this one… I worked harder than I ever have in school, confused about work and money, making sacrifices and hard decisions in relationships, and I lost my alignment more than once. But I always got it back. My stable weight was a cocoon of safety I could hide within…

During those times when I lost sight of the path, of my gifts and ability to do one thing, anything, it would take just one look in the mirror to find proof of my own personal effectiveness. Evidence that I weighed 35 pounds less than I had before, proof that through vision and faith, I had been able.

But in 2018, the scale crept up. A few, less than a handful.

It was higher than it had been for years… I decided on a strict diet and exercise regimen, public accountability, these would be good things to change the course of events. I wrote a blog post announcing my intentions and got to work. I really did.

Except that as I tried to restrict my calories, I felt ravenous with hunger. I thought about food all the time. In two weeks, I gained half a pound more than the few pounds I had put on in the eight months prior. This is what had driven me to my campaign of public weight loss.

This was a nudge to squint and shelter my eyes with a hand from the blinding light, the flood of emotion and events, and really see where my strength comes from. It was never sourced or shielded by my weight.

The source of our power is invisible in this physical world, and it is one of the reasons why it’s so important to remain in alignment, or know to strive for it, at all times. Who we are and most important what we can do is not determined by what we have done in the past or what we look like, how we have succeeded or failed, or anything else.

The best way for me to go back home to myself, authentically, has been solitude. Listening to a lo-fi jazz playlist, or jazzy coffee shop music, and get flowing on my mat. Singing, writing, closing my eyes and just surrendering are all ways I’ve been able to find a thread back to myself again.

People may see us through the limited physical expression of our potential, but we each owe it to ourselves to remember not to limit our own understanding of who we are to that, to not close the door to all that we can experience.

I learned that counting what will always, naturally be a  changing reflection as the source of my inalienable inner strength was unhealthy. By doing that, I had abandoned my inner sight and knowledge of my self in exchange for the limited and limiting gaze of others who had not met their selves. People whose fears are reflected, affirmed and expanded daily by billion-dollar marketing campaigns and people who inadvertently begin to think they are right to bestow a gaze of judgment on others and false narratives that spread brokenness instead of healing.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

I am choosing to embrace and love my new form, to focus on all that life has to offer through my being here. I love movement, yoga, my Tone it Up trainers and all that they do for me. I have momentarily traded my love of salads for the comfort of heavier, warmer winter foods that keep me grounded.

I look forward to exploring this new love and desire for grounding, varied meals by exploring it and cooking new recipes instead of running away from it.

I am choosing to trust the inner twinkle of light that lives within me, to surrender to God (I know this is a loaded word) and to the peace that dwells within me when I surrender to the moment, when I open my heart and say yes.

Weeks ago, I sat on my bed, fear pouring through my veins like poison, devastated by the number on the scale. I spent 2018 challenged in most ways, but not in this one… I worked harder than I ever have in school, confused about work and money, making sacrifices and hard decisions in relationships, and I lost my alignment more than once. But I always got it back. My stable weight was a cocoon of safety I could hide within…

During those times when I lost sight of the path, of my gifts and ability to do one thing, anything, it would take just one look in the mirror to find proof of my own personal effectiveness. Evidence that I weighed less than I had before, proof that through vision and faith, I had been able.

But in 2018, the scale crept up. Just a few pounds.

It was higher than it had been for years… I decided on a strict diet and exercise regimen, public accountability, these would be good things to change the course of events. I wrote a blog post announcing my intentions and got to work. I really did.

Except that as I tried to restrict my calories, I felt ravenous with hunger. I thought about food all the time. In two weeks, I gained half a pound more than the few pounds I had put on in the eight months prior. The less-than-handful of pounds that had driven me to my campaign of public weight loss.

This was a nudge to squint and shelter my eyes with a hand from the blinding light, the flood of emotion and events, and really see where my strength comes from. It was never sourced or shielded by my weight.

The source of our power is invisible in this physical world, and it is one of the reasons why it’s so important to remain in alignment, or know to strive for it, at all times. Who we are and most important what we can do is not determined by what we have done in the past or what we look like, how we have succeeded or failed, or anything else.

The best way for me to go back home to myself, authentically, has been solitude. Listening to a lo-fi jazz playlist, or jazzy coffee shop music, and get flowing on my mat. Singing, writing, closing my eyes and just surrendering are all ways I’ve been able to find a thread back to myself again.

People may see us through the limited physical expression of our potential, but we each owe it to ourselves to remember not to limit our own understanding of who we are to that, to not close the door to all that we can experience.

I learned that counting what will always, naturally be a  changing reflection as the source of my inalienable inner strength was unhealthy. By doing that, I had abandoned my inner sight and knowledge of my self in exchange for the limited and limiting gaze of others who had not met their selves. People whose fears are reflected, affirmed and expanded daily by billion-dollar marketing campaigns and people who inadvertently begin to think they are right to bestow a gaze of judgment on others and false narratives that spread brokenness instead of healing.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

I am choosing to embrace and love my new form, to focus on all that life has to offer through my being here. I love movement, yoga, my Tone it Up trainers and all that they do for me. I have momentarily traded my love of salads for the comfort of heavier, warmer winter foods that keep me grounded.

I look forward to lovingly mapping this new desire for grounding foods through by cooking new recipes instead of running away from it.

I am choosing to trust the inner twinkle of light that lives within me, to surrender to God (I know this is a loaded word) and to the peace that dwells within me when I yield to the moment, when I open my heart and say yes.

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